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14/04/2007

Jade and I went to watch Ipswich beat Derby 2-1
Matt Oakley rifled Derby ahead with an excellent volley before visitors keeper Stephen Bywater and Ipswich's Alex Bruce were sent-off after a clash. Derby boss Billy Davies was also sent to the stands from where he saw Francis Jeffers coolly slot in to equalise. Danny Haynes then kept his composure to grab Ipswich's winner with a late spot-kick after he had been fouled by James McEveley. The Derby boss Billy Davies said:
"I think that perhaps the sending off affected us more than Ipswich. A good football match was spoilt by the decisions."The Attendance was: 24,319

The referee was I. Williamson from Berkshire who sent off 2 and booked 10. All of the stoppages meant over 12 minutes of extra time had to be played.


26/03/2007

Philip - Prince of gaffes

The thoughts of Prince Philip have included the following:

"If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it" - at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting.

"How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" - to a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland, during a 1995 walkabout.

"It looks as if it was put in by an Indian" - pointing at an old-fashioned fusebox in a factory near Edinburgh in 1999.

"If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed" - to British students in China, during the 1986 state visit.

"Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf" - to young deaf people in Cardiff, in 1999, referring to a school's steel band.

"They must be out of their minds" - in the Solomon Islands, in 1982, when he was told that the annual population growth was only 5%.

"You are a woman, aren't you?" - in Kenya, in 1984, after accepting a small gift from a native woman.

"Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species in the world" - in Thailand, in 1991, after accepting a conservation award.

"You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly" - to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary, in 1993.

"Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" - to a wealthy islander in the Cayman Islands in 1994.

Hmmm - did anyone hear about this?

NEW YORK – Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing "the absolute worst use of lifelines ever."
After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
"Which of the following is the largest?"
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

"Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

"Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn. I think I better phone a friend."
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

"Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun."

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

"Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it."
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'

"I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favour of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

"Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer."

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

Pulpit Puns
"Fight truth decay" is a favourite.
"Come in for a free faith lift," is another
-- two examples of the toe-curling puns plastered across so many notice boards outside churches
.

"Chxxch -- Have you guessed what's missing.UR!" and "God, you're great!"

The World Cup last year offered the perfect chance to cheer on striker Wayne Rooney and make some converts too: "Rooney shoots but Jesus saves."

13/02/2007

On 8th Feb in an interview with Oonagh Blackman, Patricia Hewitt incredibly declared that NHS bed closures are a sign of success - because it means fewer people need care.

03/11/2006

Policy and procedure are the last refuge for people who don’t know how to do their job properly. I just wanted to say that as I often think it but usually have to deny it.

2/11/2006

Catherine Tate Show - I thought the first episode of the first series was great. After that it just seemed to fall into the usual sketch show trap of lack of originality and week after week of repetition. However, I think she's very versatile and an excellent comic actress. I don't know why the character 'Nan' still cracks J & I up!

What a liberty.

26/10/2006

Nudity in public is the greatest modern taboo, according to a survey. Almost two out of five (37%) people placed nakedness at the top of a list of unacceptable public practices. It was followed by wearing a hoodie (12%), public displays of affection (11%) and breast-feeding (9%).

Mobile ring tones, arguing and drinking alcohol came next.

The survey was conducted by Hasbro, makers of the board game The Big Taboo, to mark the fourth National Game Playing Week.

Nick Atkinson, of British Naturism, said British people still had unnecessary hang-ups about nudity.

He said: "I am shocked that people rate nudity in public as more offensive than drinking alcohol or farting."

The top ten taboos, compiled with answers from 3,013 people, was:

1. Being naked in public (37%)
2. Wearing a hoodie (12%)
3. Public displays of affection (11%)
4. Breast-feeding (9%)
5. Mobile phone ring tones (8%)
6. Arguing (7%)
7. Drinking alcohol (6%)
8. Litter (3%)
9. Smoking (2%)
10 Flatulence (2%)

I've done at least 6 of the 10 - How anti-social does that make me?

24/10/2006

The Queen depicted as a toothless Cabbage Patch doll in a controversial new portrait being shown at Tate Modern. George Condo's original idea was to to paint her as a nude in the style of Spanish master Diego Velazquez.


But at least the monarch was spared from New York artist George Condo's original idea -- he wanted to paint her as a nude in the style of Spanish master Diego Velazquez.

23/10/2006

I went to Matalan today with Julie & Jade. The following diagram gives an idea of the routes taken. I bought 3 items Julie & Jade bought 0! The blue route was the one I used. The red route was taken by Julie & Jade.

20/10/2006

Canaries legend Peter Mendham was today under arrest on suspicion of attempted murder after his girlfriend was stabbed at his home. My father said he was at the Octagon Cafe in Norwich last week when Peter came in to fundraiser for the local air ambulance charity.

Former Cabinet minister Clare Short has quit as a Labour Party MP to campaign for electoral reform and speak out against Tony Blair's "arrogant, error-prone" Government. I look forward to hearing more!

19/10//2006

I was contacted by D via Friends Reunited. Like D school is not something I think about often but questions from J about what I did when I was at school gets me thinking sometimes. The message from my days at Blyth-Jex school certainly stirred my grey matter. The message from D was nice as she was at school. I wish her well.

 

 

 
  © Ken Kettle 2006